I’m in synch with the weather today. Grey and unsettled. I feel physically sick, emotionally unbalanced and mentally worn out. I could say it’s because I had another bad night last night. I was in and out of sleep, and either boiling hot (with duvet) or freezing cold (without duvet). But if I’m honest, I know there’s another reason. Performance anxiety.
Yesterday I delivered the translation of the comet paper to the author. It was a difficult translation, and I’m waiting – in fear – for his feedback. What if it’s not good enough/I got it wrong/he complains?
I have to get over this
I REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO GET OVER THIS. This fear of not being good enough has haunted me all my life and was probably the major cause of the stress that put an end to my last job.
I MUST find a way to deal with it. Otherwise, I’m going to be living my life in fear (again), and eventually end up the same stressed-out shell of a person I was two years ago.
Coincidentally, yesterday I watched a yoga video on the wonderweb where they talked about doing yoga with ‘non-attachment to the outcome’. You do your practice with commitment and determination, but with no particular outcome in mind. You’re not trying to do it better than yesterday, or as well as the person next to you, you just do it. End of. That’s what I need in my life, not just during a yoga session. I guess the idea is that I do my work with determination and commitment, but with non-attachment to the outcome, i.e. without wanting the outcome that the customer will be happy. I can feel my head already resisting the idea. It’s yelling, “But this person is PAYING you! You MUST do a good job! Otherwise he’ll COMPLAIN and you’ll be USELESS!”. Heck. How do you get over that?
Song of the day
I just heard this on the radio, and it suits my current depressed and vaguely desperate state of mind. Jonny Cash, with First Corinthians, “Oh death, where is thy sting…”.